Why don’t you have children? After a certain age, almost every childless woman is confronted with this question. Why actually? Every woman should decide for herself whether she wants to have children. But women who remain childless are often met with incomprehension.
If you are a woman, childless and between 30 and 35, the whole thing starts: You are constantly being told that “it’s about time”. As a non-mother, you are looked at with irritation, sometimes pityingly (“I guess it didn’t work out.”), sometimes slightly contemptuously (“She’s probably afraid of missing out.”). When you play with your friends’ children, they quickly say: “Look, the biological clock is already ticking!” or “A child would also look very good on you!”
Even the gynaecologist urges you to take folic acid and stop taking the pill. “You don’t want to be sitting here at 37 and it doesn’t work out.” But you haven’t even asked him for advice. Just like your friends, relatives and acquaintances. Because whether you want to have a child or not is ultimately nobody’s business – except for you and your partner. Why is it that you suddenly find yourself in a situation where you have to justify this very personal question to others?
If a woman openly admits that she does not want to have children, the other person often gets this uncomprehending, irritated look on her face. “Why? You’ve been together with your partner for a long time. Are you afraid to give up your old life with more money, parties and lots of free time?”
Or well-intentioned advice: “You don’t know what you’re missing out on if you don’t have a child. You’ll regret it later and be lonely in your old age.” Or even reproaches: “Where would society end up if everyone thought like that? Who would then pay the pensions if no one had children? That’s also kind of selfish.”
Egoism? No way!
The questions of why have also preoccupied author and filmmaker Sarah Diehl, 43 and childless herself. She has written a book in which she lets childless women speak and tell why they have no children and how their environment has reacted to it.
The women the author spoke to gave many reasons for not wanting to have a child of their own – selfish reasons were not among them. Sometimes it was simply circumstances instead of a conscious decision for or against having a child. One did not find the right partner with whom one wanted to dare the project of having a child.
Sometimes, however, the decision not to have a child was made consciously. And, eureka, this was not about money, freedom and unattachment. Many women expressed the fear of being forced into old role patterns like their own mother: The husband works, the wife stays at home and gives up her career goals (for now).
Many women also expressed the fear that the double burden of being a mother and a worker could overwhelm them. Or they were worried that the stress of having a child would ruin the relationship, so that they would end up alone with their child. Some women, on the other hand, also do not want a career instead of a child, but simply want to escape all social expectations.
It is not uncommon for the phenomenon of helicopter parents or the example of motherhood set by acquaintances to make women shy away. Those parents who try to make their child happy around the clock and for whom everything revolves around the child and who at some point have left themselves and their wishes at the cloakroom.
I also know many parents who completely discarded their “old” life when the children came along. And not only that: they suddenly consider their previous life, and thus the life of childless women, to be superficial and meaningless.
Ultimately, we should all be a little more tolerant of people who have a different life plan for themselves. After all, all the reasons, fears and considerations expressed by childless women should be allowed, shouldn’t they? And one thing above all: they should not have to justify themselves for it.
The question is quite justified: Isn’t there another way of life than that of the nuclear family that retreats into its home to devote itself entirely to the well-being of its children?
The childless man remains unmolested
But unfortunately something completely different applies here for women than for men. Women have to have reasons if they don’t want to have a child. They have to justify themselves for something they do NOT do. And this is despite the fact that one in four men aged 49 does not yet have children, but only 16 percent of women of this age are childless.
It’s different for men. They are not in a position of proof. A childless man is rarely bothered with questions about his reasons. With a man, one would also not necessarily conclude that it probably “just didn’t work out.” A childless man is perhaps simply still untamed, the eternal bachelor who has not yet found the right woman.
And sure, a man simply has much longer to father a child than a woman. There are quite a few who, even at an advanced age, feel compelled to bring a child into the world whose graduation from school they may not even live to see.
The fact is: no matter what reasons a woman has, she should have the right to decide freely about her life. Those who do not have children of their own can very well make a valuable contribution to society. For example, as an enthusiastic godmother, babysitting your best friend or by getting involved in social projects – simply because you have more time capacities than parents.
What is often forgotten: Not having your own child does not mean that you don’t like children. There are many ways to live a fulfilled life. With or without a child. Everyone should be allowed to make that decision for themselves.