Psychological violence is a subtle form of abuse – with at least as devastating consequences as physical violence. Nevertheless, many victims do not admit their situation to themselves. Here are the most important signs.
The facts and figures of recent years on femicide are frightening: women are often victims of heinous violence, committed in most cases by those who say they love them. In fact, more than half of femicides are committed by violent men who are connected to the victim through some relationship, whether they are husbands or family members, boyfriends or ex-boyfriends.
However, the type of violence to which women are subjected is not only physical: there is another form of abuse that is more subtle and therefore less visible, namely psychological. And this kind of violence is so perfidious because it is very often not recognized as such or is concealed out of shame. And: it usually takes place behind closed doors.
In fact, there are many people who live in toxic relationships and are not even aware of it. What seems completely inexplicable from the outside has psychological reasons. For the tactics of psychic violence perpetrators are extremely manipulative. It starts imperceptibly and pulls the victim more and more down into a maelstrom, taking away all self-esteem. And: Perpetrators deliberately choose victims who have little to oppose their tactics.
Since the majority of offenses are committed by men, I will write perpetrator and partner in this article. Of course, this is not meant to and should not suggest that there are not also cases of psychological violence perpetrated by women on men, men on men and women on women. That should be clear.
In order for you to be able to recognize for yourself whether you or someone else is being subjected to psychological violence by your partner, you will find some useful information below about the tactics and typical behavior of the perpetrators.
In addition, you will find tips on how to get out of a relationship with psychological violence. The important thing is to seek help and find a way out of the toxic relationship. The sooner, the better.
Are you also a victim of psychological violence? Important signs
In order to understand that you are also exposed to emotional abuse by your partner, you should firstly pay attention to the classic parameters of a good relationship. How does the partner treat you? Does he respect you as a person? Does he respond to your wishes and needs?
However, it is often easier to analyze the situation the other way round. That is, not to ask what you expect from a relationship (because here the victims usually lie to themselves), but to know certain behaviors that are typical for the perpetrators.
There are some classic behaviors that are classified as psychological violence that not everyone may be aware of. Especially not if one is already in such a manipulative relationship. Recognizing them is an important first step for victims.
For those who are clear about the unhealthy situation they are in will also realize that they need help to escape from this vicious circle. (You can find help offers and important info pages below).
Typical scenarios of psychological violence
1. continuous devaluation
Those who commit psychological violence usually follow a simple pattern, it already starts with devaluing the other person. In addition, victims of psychological violence tend to want to explain everything in order to excuse the behavior of the violent partner. Or, quite typically, to place the blame on themselves.
This sounds absurd, but there is a simple reason for it. Because the perpetrator of violence continuously exerts pressure by devaluing his partner. This may start with criticism of clothes or make-up, but then quickly progresses to severe and denigrating insults of the person, their work, their way of life or interacting with others.
This continuous criticism and humiliation, completely free and unfounded, is unfortunately usually perceived by the victim as true and they begin to doubt themselves and their own self-worth.
The goal of the perpetrator: that the partner herself feels small and inadequate and thus she becomes increasingly dependent on him. This is because the victim herself is supposed to feel insecure and dismantled and believe that she is to blame for the fact that there are always arguments and outbursts of anger in the relationship.
2. tactics of silence
Punishing someone with disregard and silence is also quite typical of psychological violence in a partnership. The silence makes the partner feel inadequate and guilty without knowing what she has done. Nevertheless, she clearly thinks that it is she who must have made a mistake. Driven by the desire for the partner to be conciliatory again and no longer angry, she tries everything to make him merciful again.
Indifference and non-communication causes fear, discomfort and deep insecurity: it is a perfidious means for the abuser to dominate and manipulate his victim.
3. Passive-aggressive behavior
Passive-aggressive behavior is also extremely manipulative and therefore quite classic among psychologically violent offenders. In order to dominate the partner, the perpetrator keeps her in constant ignorance. She is constantly unsettled by ambiguous and unclear behavior. His mood, which he never shows clearly but only hints at, decides for better or worse. And that on a daily basis.
Half-sentences, irritating tones for no reason, indifference, bad moods and aggressive facial expressions and gestures: these are all ways to unsettle the partner or make her believe that she is responsible and has done something wrong again.
In this case, too, the result is the same: the affected woman feels guilty and insecure, she doubts herself and her perception. For the perpetrator, this is a good way to further undermine her self-esteem and self-confidence. Thus, she has less and less control over her everyday life and becomes more and more dependent on her partner.
4. the victim’s game
Another very typical behavior pattern is for the perpetrator to mime the victim. No matter what disagreements arise, the partner is made out to be the guilty party. The perpetrator himself portrays himself as suffering and being treated wrongly.
The goal is again quite clearly one thing: The perpetrator wants to have control of the situation and further discredit his counterpart so that she feels completely incapable. Because it is unfortunately the case that this perfidious behavior leads to the victim also believing herself to be the guilty party and doing everything to regain the trust and affection of the perpetrator.
5. Gaslighting
Gaslighting is another classic method of psychological violence. Here the victim is so skillfully manipulated that she doubts her own perception and ability to judge.
The perpetrator repeatedly creates situations in which it is apparently clear that the woman is completely mistaken, misjudges the situation, sees or hears things that do not exist. Memories are also made out to be incorrect and completely imagined. Until the woman herself believes she is going crazy.
She is so unsettled that she is hardly able to go about her normal daily life. The perpetrator himself shows understanding and suggests to the victim that he alone (as a “hero”) can help. And again the woman is where he wants her to be: In total dependence on him AND cut off from the outside world. Because so insecure, many victims no longer dare to confide in others. A vicious circle.
6. Extreme jealousy
Many abusers who psychologically abuse their partner or ex-partner suffer from extreme jealousy. And this is without any valid reason or cause. The abuser is obsessed with their jealousy. The abuser believes he can exert power over his partner by considering her not as a woman but as his property.
Specifically, he shows his extreme jealousy in exaggerated reactions and obsessive behaviors that make life with him impossible. The woman is visibly manipulated by this because she feels guilty and tries to do everything to prevent the partner from flipping out and getting angry again.
7. discrediting people close to the partner
All these manipulative techniques unfortunately work again and again because the perpetrators additionally make sure that the victim is socially isolated. This is the only way they can pull off their scam. Without a confidant, the woman is helplessly at their mercy. There is no one who can give an opinion on the situation from the outside, everything is only discussed between the perpetrator and the victim.
The partner creates social isolation by gradually discrediting the circle of acquaintances, friends and relatives. “Look here, everyone is bad to you and doesn’t want to do you any good, only I am with you and close to you.” If at some point the woman no longer has anyone to confide in, the psychological violence increases more and more. A neutral view and help from outside is now deliberately switched off by the perpetrator.
8. Continuous threats and blackmail
As if this were not enough, explicit threats often occur, further aggravating the situation and plunging the woman into complete despair. After the partner has implemented all the previous tactics, he can be completely sure of his power: The woman feels insecure and completely lost, so that she has nothing to counter his blackmail and threats.
Since she thinks she is worthless and incapable, she can hardly defend herself. Especially since she is completely dependent on him, has no other social contacts and is afraid of being alone. So if her partner threatens her, she goes along with it to escape his bad mood, his attacks and his aggression.
If there are joint children in the relationship or marriage, there is of course massive leverage on the woman. Losing them or taking away their father, destroying the family and also the fact that he might hurt the children or they might even witness the domestic violence: All this puts enormous pressure on the victim. Of course, the perpetrator is aware of this and not infrequently children are deliberately used as a means of pressure.
Narcissists: Manipulation and emotional abuse
In most cases, people who become psychologically violent suffer from narcissistic personality disorder. Often they have suffered emotional trauma in childhood or have not had a stable environment or a real caregiver. So they are then unable to build a healthy relationship in adulthood. A respectful exchange of love, affection and trust is not possible with them.
Often narcissists deliberately choose partners who are sensitive and rather insecure, but at the same time attentive and compassionate enough to respond to the narcissist’s wishes. Because of their compassionate nature, they easily fall into his trap. They are, unfortunately, two characters who fit the perpetrator’s purposes perfectly. For the partners, however, the attachment to the narcissistic type is extremely toxic and self-destructive.
Tips to escape psychological violence
To get out of the unhealthy situation of psychological violence, you first need the awareness that you are in a dangerous relationship. Because in the end, you will not change or even heal a person who uses psychological violence on a partner. That has to be clear to the victim. Often women stay because they believe they can save or change their partner. But without deeper therapy, this will not begin to work.
The only right thing the victim of emotional abuse can do is to leave the person in question. However, since victims are usually already badly damaged psychologically and have neither the strength nor the social contacts to offer help, this is an extremely difficult step for them to take.
Therefore, it is important that they first recognize the situation and then manage to ask an outside person for help. Because victims absolutely need this support. Those who overcome themselves and find the courage to confide in a (formerly) close person, a relative, a self-help group or other professional support services, have taken an important step and can be extremely proud of themselves. It is not a sign of weakness to want to escape the untenable situation.
Here are some tips that can help to get out of a situation of psychological violence:
- Realize that you have a problem. The first step is undoubtedly not to continue to gloss over the problem, but to admit to yourself that you are stuck in a situation that will not change without taking action. And it is extremely harmful for you.
- Turn to people you trust and tell them about your ordeal. Just being able to tell someone should be incredibly relieving for many victims. Because victims of psychological violence are used to taking all the blame all the time. And here they can clearly realize for the first time that they are absolutely not to blame.
- The most important step: Break off contact with the perpetrator, get yourself out of the situation as quickly and permanently as possible. Make it clear to yourself: there is no turning back. A man who exerts psychological violence on you can never make you happy or love you. With the help of the right people, you can also take this step.
- Try to think about yourself and your needs. Only you are important now. That is all that counts. You should not think about your partner who seems to be suffering and wants you back. Because the abuser naturally wants you back in his power.
- Work on your self-esteem: Learn to remember what you are worth, what you have achieved in your life and what projects you would like to achieve in the future. Take a pen and paper and write down what is lovable about you and what you can do. You are not a failure and you are not bad or evil, even if you have been told that for a long time. This may sound simple, but writing on paper helps you to focus better on aspects and give substance to thoughts to make them more real and concrete.
- Try to put your life in order and look to the future with optimism. Even if you are still emotionally trapped and suddenly alone again. Realise that things can only get better if you don’t let yourself be manipulated any further.