Everyone talks about the close bond between mother and daughter. But the father-daughter relationship is just as formative for a woman’s life. About close and negative bonds and their effects on us.
The relationship with our father shapes us throughout our lives, even if we are not aware of it. The relationship with our dad influences our development – and it doesn’t matter whether the father-daughter relationship was particularly close, distant, harmonious or negative and bad.
And this applies to almost all areas of life, our character traits, behaviors and decisions we will make in the course of our lives.
1. the father-daughter relationship and the influence on partnership
Our father is the first man in our lives. He significantly shapes our image of a man. And both his behavior towards us as a daughter and his relationship with our mother have an enormous impact on later behavior and search patterns. For example, when it comes to our own partnership. If the relationship between mother and father was loving or full of quarrels and tears, this will influence our relationships in life from now on.
It is often said that a woman looks for her own father in her partner. That is not quite true. What is certain, however, is that the relationships she will enter into with men will depend strongly on the kind of relationship she has or has had with her father.
So we look for life partners who resemble our father. And we do so even if he has not treated us as we would have liked. This is mainly because we prefer the familiar and are reluctant to experiment. Especially in emotional matters. So all the coming men in our lives have to measure up to Super daddy on the one hand. But they also often have to make up for what the father messed up in our younger years.
1.1 When the father-daughter relationship is too close
A daughter who has always been favorably encouraged by her father to accept herself and be independent is likely to be free in her love relationships.
Sometimes it is also too much of a good thing: If the Miss Daughter has been treated like the Princess on the Pea, her whims have always been taken into account and she has never been denied a wish, and if her father has convinced her that no man will ever be able to hold a candle to her, she risks one disappointment after another when it comes to love. Because she will always be on the lookout for the charming prince who will adore her and carry her on his hands just as much as her beloved daddy.
1.2 Partnership and the negative father-daughter relationship
Conversely, a woman who has never received enough fatherly recognition or who has had to grow up without any father figure will also find it difficult to lead a happy love life. In her search for recognition, she will tend to string together conquests and sentimental defeats.
Not to mention the fear of commitment and abandonment: According to a study conducted by the University of Haifa School of Social Work in 2007, 41 per cent of people who were fatherless or whose father had little presence in childhood were not in a serious relationship – for fear of being abandoned again.
2. The father-daughter relationship and our self-confidence
Even beyond partnership and love, our father makes us strong, self-confident women or not. His influence in this respect is even greater than that of the mother. This is perhaps because we are more sure of our mother’s love, because she cares for us more, at least initially.
We have to court and fight more for the father’s love. He is often not present. If our courting is blessed with success, then this is a great gain for us, which gives us a good feeling. His recognition for what we accomplish, who we are, etc. is therefore enormously important to us.
2.2 Self-image in the disturbed father-daughter relationship
A loving father who respects his daughter can do wonders to boost his daughter’s ego. He gives her the confidence she needs to become fledged and independent. Unfortunately, in return, an indifferent or, worse, verbally or physically violent father can have the exact opposite effect and cause great, sometimes irreparable, damage to his daughter’s identity construction.
The daughter, accustomed to disregard and abuse, only knows the victim role and will underestimate herself all her life. It is not uncommon for a woman who is abused by her partner to hide behind a little girl who had to experience the same abuse in her childhood.
3. father and daughter at a distance: puberty
As we all know, teenage years are not easy – neither for the teenager nor for her parents. In puberty, the daughter no longer takes her parents as role models: these are now the best friends or particularly popular teenagers who are much cooler than the old parents.
As for the fathers, they usually have difficulty understanding what has happened to their little daughter, who suddenly locks herself in her room and repels any tenderness and closeness with annoyance. Worse still, she seems to prefer contact with her mother and has exclusive “girl talk” with her, from which he is categorically excluded.
According to an Ipsos study, the first menstruation is one of the most important signs on the father’s path to understanding that his daughter is growing up. The father, unsettled by all these new developments, now hesitates: should he try to get closer to this child who has become a bit of a stranger to him or should he let her go her own way – and risk losing sight of her.
3.1 Change from little girl to woman
Some fathers hold back too much now and are afraid to tell their daughter that she is pretty, for example. It is difficult for them to acknowledge the physical changes associated with puberty and they create a certain distance out of a sense of shame.
At the same time, it is so important for young people in this phase to be able to see and accept their new femininity in a positive light. This feeling should be conveyed to her by her environment. The father, too, can arm his daughter for the outside world and her life as a woman through his recognition.
Of course, this phase is anything but easy for the pubescent daughter. Her body changes: she is no longer a child – but not yet an adult woman either. In her search for recognition – especially from boys – it is extremely important for her to know that her father, who also belongs to the male faction, is behind her.
4. The fatherly influence on our professional life
Unbelievable but true: the beloved father even has an influence on his daughter’s professional life. Eager to bring home good grades and results, some women will always have only one goal in mind: to be the best in class and later the most successful in the company…. often so as not to disappoint the new father figure – the boss. And then there are those who are convinced that they are “good for nothing” and worth nothing, because that is exactly what they were made to understand throughout their childhood.
The greatest pressure, however, is on the daughters who suffer from the “like father, like daughter” syndrome and have chosen the same profession as their oh-so-admirable daddy: They have to work twice as hard to prove that they don’t look like losers compared to their father’s skills.
5. When the father becomes a grandfather
At some point, the “little daughter” is a grown woman who starts a family of her own. And with this change of life, her concerns inevitably change: she asks herself questions about the upbringing of her own children and remembers the upbringing she herself enjoyed.
So while she is building her own future, she is also embarking on a spiritual journey into the past. In doing so, now that she is a mother herself, she looks at the difficulty of being a parent with more insight and objectivity. Result: She feels closer to her father again and takes his advice.
She may also unconsciously compare the two father models she knows: her father and her partner. For his part, the newly minted grandfather enjoys the now closer relationship again and the adult conversations with his daughter.
Often, fathers who have been estranged over time use this opportunity to make a kind of comeback and try to get closer to their children again by taking extensive care of their grandchildren. This tendency is all the more pronounced if the father was not very present in his own daughter’s childhood and feels guilty about it: he has the impression that he is making up for the time once lost.
6. Role reversal in old age
Everyone grows up and gets older. One becomes aware of the fact that time passes, and faster than one thinks: the father is less active and more tired than before. The fear of losing him at some point increases.
Most react to this fear of loss by trying to get closer to the father again in order to use the remaining time as well as possible. Relationships that have loosened somewhat and become more distant in recent years are strengthened again. The daughter devotes more time to her father again.
A kind of role reversal takes place: the little girl, who has become an adult woman, takes care of the father, worries about his health and regularly inquires about his life, his worries, etc. The father’s role in the family is not the same as that of the little girl. Others feel the need to draw a line under a conflict-ridden relationship and try to re-establish contact with the estranged father.
Whatever the case, this phase, which is certainly not easy, is also a period full of closeness and tenderness. It is time to make peace with yourself, with him and with the world!
